First Place

Last night I had a dream about my future children–they were serious and passionate people, and I remember knowing how outside of them I was. Even my children, who depended on me, were still, like all others, outside of me, separate in a place unreachable.

I don't know if I will have a family. It used to be something I took for granted: that I would grow up and go through all the normal stages one after another, end up married with kids in a little cozy house with a normal, average, American life.

But one night, the Lord showed me a picture of my ideal life, of where I assumed my life was going: a little white house with curtains blowing in and out of shuttered windows, a little path to the front door, a green, plant-filled yard yard and woods in the back. And in the house, I knew, warm and safe, was my husband and my kids.

And He asked me: "Are you willing to give this up for Me?"

First of all, it was an insight into my own heart: I had never really known how much I wanted this in the future, or how much I expected it. And second, it was God's mercy in showing me where I needed to align myself with Him. How many dreams do we have, even unwittingly, that we place above Him in the great hierarchy of our desires?

The other day I was listening to a teaching by Allen Hood from IHOP. He was talking about how he had bargained with God as a youth for the timing of the return of Jesus. Do we really want His return above all other things? Do we really want it now? I think it's pretty common for us to say: "Well, I hope I can experience marriage before You come back. And maybe parenthood, or maybe grand-parenthood. You know what? How about You return when I'm on my deathbed anyway. It would be really great then; it would really be better for my schedule."

Of course, when the Lord showed me the picture of my ideal and gave me that challenge, He wasn't saying necessarily that I would not ever have it. He was saying: "Are you willing to place Me at the top of the dreams of your heart? Will you to lift Me above the hopes for your life on earth? Will you desire Me above the rest? Are you able to say with a full heart, 'Even so, Lord come'?"

On the earth right now, there are millions of people who need Him to come right now, establish justice and His throne, and rescue them from wickedness, poverty, and slavery. With my comparatively comfortable, American life, it's easy to forget them in all the plans that I make.

So that is the challenge.

Thank you, Lord, for the grace to see where I don't place you first. Come make our hearts pleasing to You. Give us the longing for God, for Your will to be done, and for Your kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven.

ReBoot.

The prodigal son story always gets me right in the ol' kicker. I so identify with that son, and I so have a longing that those who cast themselves away from the love of God get a new revelation of that love and are brought back into the house. Or I used to have this good longing, anyway.

Recently I found out that I might have a little of the older brother in me. Oh Lord, I never saw that coming! I thought I was pretty humbled indeed! But I find myself getting jealous when the Lord shows His love to the brethren in ways that I have been crying out for in my own heart. And this jealousy (which is supposed to motivate me into a deeper longing and place of openness before the Lord) sometimes turns into an accusation in my heart against the Lord for the "unfairness" of how He doles His love out. How ridiculous.

Let's analyze this, y'all.

Entitlement - Where does this come from? Where is the line between expecting in faith that the Lord will hear and answer us, and expecting Him to hear and answer because we now somehow deserve it more? How do we receive our identity in the Lord as sons, and as His beloved, but keep humility in all things?

Well, I don't know about you, but with me it's a huge cycle. I believe I'm His son, I get proud/entitled, He shows me, I repent and humble my heart, I forget I'm His son and become the servant, He reminds me that He loves me as His son, I believe it, my heart is renewed, I get proud/entitled, He shows me, I repent and humble my heart, I forget and become the servant.

Sometimes I think most of the lessons I learn are in humility, and most of the places in my heart that are dark, when I delve into them, lead me to the knowledge of pride in me. It is amazing to discover all the different ways one single person can be proud. The lost man, proud of His sin and shame, miserable, but believing it's too big for God's grace. The duty driven man, proud of his performance and dedication, how necessary he is to others. The spiritual man, proud of how much more the Lord works through him than others. The intellectual man, proud of his knowledge. The showman, who performs well and knows it. The counselor/mentor with good intentions, but the belief they can save people with their wisdom. Basically any gifting, anything you are good at or bad at, and anything that you create your identity around, can be an area of pride.

In one way or another, all these separate us from the true light. We don't earn any points with God, which frustrates all our ideas about the "progress" we make. When we compare ourselves to the perfection that God calls us to instead of the people around us, we remember that only His Word over us and His mercy to us makes us worthy of the calling.

Keep us humble. Give us right understanding of your love, give us right understanding of your mercy. Thank you for your gentleness in correcting us.