God Named Me Miriam

It's raining; it's early; I gave up coffee...how melancholy.

Miriam's fault was the jealousy of honor. She desired to be honored by God and by men because she was deceiving herself—she was so wrapped up in the idea that people are not equally favored by God that she couldn't see who it was that really deserved attention.

God said, "I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." Meaning, "I will speak face to face with Moses, I will choose him from among you, I will teach him many things, and if I don't choose to do that with you too, that's fine with Me." Moreover, "I will choose Israel from among the peoples of the earth, they will be the apple of My eye, the firstborn of many sons, and though you are grafted into their promises, they are still My chosen people, and they will usher in My return."

I struggle with the faults of Miriam because I am discovering more and more that they are in me as well. I desire greatness, I want to be the best, I want to merit the praise of men and God. I want to be the firstborn, like the Jews; I want to be favored with the kind of communion Moses had with God, I want to be the favorite person of everyone—I even envy Jesus the morning-by-morning presence of the Father He had while on earth.

Miriam expressed this, saying "God spoke through me, too, so why does Moses get to be right? Why is he more right than me? Am I not just as close to God, just as important to Him? Does He not back me up in my views at least as much as He does with Moses? My opinions are just as legitimate because I hear Him as well as anyone."

She either truly believed that she had this standing before God, or she knew it wasn't true and was simply hurt and jealous of Moses, trying to manipulate God by accusing Him of playing favorites. Well God does play favorites. He does it all the time—He chooses people from the rest to give favor to. By His favor, I mean His voice, His presence, His nearness, His wisdom, His gifts, His blessings, and whatever other interaction it is possible to have with Him.

The problem is that you can't win His favor or become His favorite by being charming, being smarter, stronger, more expert at anything (including humility)—you just can't get it. You can't earn it or strive for it or weasel it out of Him; you can't put yourself in position in relation to other people in order to be the best possible choice as a chess piece to get Him to speak through you to others; you can't accuse Him in order to force it from Him or follow any set of rules to win it. He will have compassion on whom He will have compassion.

The problem with Miriam and me is that we focus on greatness in comparison to other humans. We are jealous to be the best without even seeing who the best is. We look at Moses even while standing in the presence of God. The glory of God so far eclipses any merits of we creatures that before Him the differences between us are irrelevant. Why would we ever look at anyone else? Miriam had to be sent alone into the wilderness with leprosy in order to learn the true merits of her strength and wisdom. And Moses, in his humility, seeing the condition of her heart by her words, hearing her accusation and jealousy, begged God not to destroy her. After that, there isn't much else about her in the Bible.

I thank God He has not struck me with leprosy or something yet, in all honesty. My life is for His glory; my life is not for my glory. It is a source of deep grief when I find I have spiraled into these lies again—the struggle with who I am and how I could be more important if I just did this or that, or put myself in front of certain people, or if He would tell me things and I could be His favorite. The idea of all my "hidden potential" that eventually everyone simply must recognize and then admire, how He must just be waiting for the right time to use me to our mutual glory. Horrible. When I see it this clearly, I realize how horrible it actually is: wanting our relationship (precious and valuable!) to be at least in part about gaining glory for myself.

The truth is that the only time anything good has come of my life was when He was leading it. The only revelation I want anyone to eventually have about me is how bad I am at everything without Him. What I want for my life is to be rid of this struggle at last and to go low and raise Him up. I want a relationship with Him, and that means I have to carve out self-deceit and self-glorification from my heart. Because He knows what is hidden and will not honor it.

I hate this post. Time for work.